dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
