dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
