Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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