he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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