Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize