Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
