Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
