Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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