i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He felt like a one man threesome
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
