I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
