New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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