I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
