You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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