my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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