Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
