The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
another moral hangover. fuck.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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