Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize