Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have feelings that need drinking.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
