Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
