Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
