I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
