I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
4 words: hood of his car
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
