u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
