K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
