I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize