I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
