3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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