So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
