This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
