Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
