got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
