I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
