the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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