Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
