Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
