She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
