her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
