In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
