No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
