3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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