so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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