The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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