Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Randomize
