I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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