are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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