We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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