i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
