when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
