I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
