Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
