a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
