you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
my poor anus
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
