ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize