I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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