Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
