shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
