I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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