A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
