Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Randomize